Dear Online Diary,
I would really like to make a connection with a convicted felon. Not a deep, strong, emotionally involved connection. Not a sexual connection. But a humorous connection. No, it won’t be funny for them at all (unless they hate themselves enough), but it would be an absolute hoot for me. I love these websites.
Writeaprisoner.com is my favorite. The reason is simple: extensive search options. I can find anything. I love finding Buddhists on death row. I’m not a buddhist, nor do I pretend to know the ins and outs of the buddhist faith-but I know they’re pretty fond of being laid back. I’ve never heard of a bunch of CRAZY southern buddhists picketing soldiers funerals with signs held up proclaiming “God Hates Faggots!”. I’ve never seen a group of buddhists being brought up on charges for bombing an abortion clinic. Buddhists seem to have found some kind of happy medium in this crazy world and they don’t really bother anyone. I like buddhists.
Which makes me wonder how one of them is on death row for homicide.
Perhaps, this guy somehow found out he was going to be reincarnated into a really annoying parrot* and just snapped. Perhaps he helped a bunch of old ladies cross the road out of the kindness of his karmacally driven heart. Then he stubbed his toe on the curb, tripped on the old lady’s cane, and did a swan dive into the asphalt. Then decided karma was a fucking idiot-thereby murdering the helpless old woman with her own cane.
The logical person would assume they were not buddhist when they committed these crimes. Perhaps they used to associate with a more traditionally violent religion. Perhaps they just too original to find Jesus in the pen-but also really didn’t want to “chance it” with suffering eternal damnation when they got the chair.
But I’m not known for my logical thinking. Never have been. I would like to think this guy was a bad ass buddhist who snapped. I think he was hardcore. I think he wore a black pleather jacket and steel toed pleather shoes-so he could look like a biker without killing any animals. I think he had 3 days worth of stubble that would add to his badass credit, or make him look somewhat homeless if he wasn’t wearing that kick ass pleather jacket. I think he was the most militant buddhist who ever lived. I think he was so hellbent on being a fierce tiger or beastly bear in his next life, he was going to make you find some fucking peace on this earth even if he had to stick it up your ass. You WILL find Nirvana-or you will fucking pay!
As much as you might want to argue with me about this, we will never know. Because I can’t write to these prisoners. I would love to, but I don’t have a post office box. I may be crazy, but I’m not crazy enough to give a group of felons my street address-not even the buddhists.
I’m dying to write to these guys. In the words of Ariel, I want to ask them my questions and get some answers. I would even post them here. I’d get an anthology of my pen pals letters and drawings. I’d scrapbook them show them to my grandchildren and friends that come to visit. It would be an amazing coffee table book. Glorious and entertaining, but most importantly, extremely informative.
Alas, I barely have enough money to pay my bills, much less pay for a po box and endless amounts of stamps. Perhaps, when I am more financially stable, I will fulfill my dreams of getting to know the murdering buddhists. But then again, if I’m more financially stable, I might find better things to do than sit in my apartment and dream about harassing inmates. Only time and money will tell.
*To be fair to this parrot, and parrotkind everywhere, all birds are annoying. They’re screeching little bastards and I hate them all. Except penguins. Penguins are fucking cute.
Tags: bad ass, buddhism, karma, parrots, pen pal, penguins, pleather, post office box, prison, prisoners
